VARIOUS FUNNY ATC COMS
ATC: Alitalia
345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for
workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers
checked - all are working
---
ARN851:
"Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000,
requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax,
the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin
for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
---
(busy) Moncton Center:
"Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike
Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird
169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"
---
ACA1147: "Moncton,
Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?"
CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will."
(some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up
there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please"
(more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for
his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too
much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to
you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds."
---
Aurora: "Moncton,
TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city
of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar
flight following."
CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar
identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against
loitering?"
Aurora: "Ah... roger that"
---
(check the callsign of the
answering aircraft)
CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll
talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk
to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"
---
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
---
NY Ctr:
"Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect
lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three
one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah
zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta
five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to
two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna
FedEx!"
---
Tower: Have
you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
---
Cont:
"AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1
three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this
big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter
traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed
further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird
back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown,
helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90
knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what
the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can
probably tell you."
---
Tower: 95
Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the
tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read
it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give
the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
---
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just
entering downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I
see is a Cessna."
(pause)
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic
directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the
numbers." :)
---
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How
many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two
more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were
calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
(long delay)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your
flight supplement."
---
7MA: Cessna
187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say
type landing.
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
---
Control: You're
unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is
that better?
Control: (looong pause)
---
ATC: "Cessna
G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence
and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not
years."
---
Controller:
AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
---
Controller: "Speedbird 12, are you a heading?"
Pilot: "We are always a heading."
---
Korean Air 1234 : "Please say runway and brake
situation".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed Beech twin
prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no
report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh... Say again...".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed aircraft
says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep
water on runway".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ah ! Thank you !".
---
O'Hare
Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach,
maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need
me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if
you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground
control.
---
ATC: Pan Am 1,
descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH
1019
---
Cessna 152:
"Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space
Center"
---
727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth."
---
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in
front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
---
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and
heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I
can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the
Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
---
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and
40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and
maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent
rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you
have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not
yours."
---
Tower: "...and for your information, you were
slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First
Officer was slightly to the right"
---
A deer is on the
runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare
him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna
XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I
should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here
on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on
runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer
bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway
NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for
take-off.
---
Tower: "Eastern
702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did
you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for
takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."
---
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland
Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center
135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife
you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you
called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
---
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000'
for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out
of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now.
Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF
then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for
traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."
---
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty
knots indicated."
---
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for
noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess
noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin
coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of
a racket".
---
Pilot with Southern drawl: Birdseed Approach,
Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand, with Information --
excuse the expression -- Yankee.
---
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for
requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at
8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going
the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
---
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy.
Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report
leaving the airport
---
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are
you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on
the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute,
please?"
---
Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on 117.30"
Pilot: "Roger, tower on 123.50"
---
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your
engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."
---
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar
Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to
land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar
Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more:
you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is
NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We
want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue
approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to
Bratislava."
---
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce
to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is
also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
---
Ground Support Logs
Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance
crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with
hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be
serious
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words